


water passed through his shoes and the stars through his soul

by poutings



Category: I'll Give You the Sun - Jandy Nelson
Genre: First Kiss, M/M, Stargazing, at the planetarium obviously, beach dates, brian works at a science center, he's a nerd, noah and jude's dynamic is so fun to write wow, noah is also a nerd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-09
Updated: 2017-05-09
Packaged: 2018-10-29 18:55:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10860012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poutings/pseuds/poutings
Summary: “Let’s see what’s brighter: these fake stars we’re about to see or your eyes when you look at Brian,” she says casually, and Noah doesn’t even have a chance to hit her again because the lights are dimming and the ceiling above them is starting to glow, drawing both of their gazes upward.“The night sky,” the automated voice begins, “is both beautiful and mysterious…” It trails off as Noah stops listening, too distracted by the constellations coming into view above him.He thinks of what Jude said, but decides that while the stars and his eyes may be bright, neither are brighter than Brian’s smile.(or the one where Brian works at the science center and Noah falls in love with him the second he lays eyes on him.)





	1. chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> just a disclaimer: i haven't read over this yet, so i apologize for any errors that i missed in the initial writing of it
> 
> aside from that, i hope you enjoy this!! this tag is really lacking in material, so i was excited to post something here! jude, noah, and brian all mean a lot to me, so i hope i did them justice
> 
> also, some small parts are very similar to the book, so just watch out for that. it's not canon though other than that

“Jude,” Noah whines, “how many times do I have to tell you I don’t want to go?”

“A zillion,” Jude says matter-of-factly. “But even then I wouldn’t listen to you.”

Noah groans but puts his shoes on nonetheless. He’s learned not to argue with Jude after she’s made up her mind—sure, she changes it like the weather but she’ll drag him with her through it all.

“What if I told you,” Noah starts, tugging his sock up higher, “I already forgot where we’re going?”

Jude laughs, throwing her head back in a way that makes Noah wince. Seriously, how has her neck not snapped by now?

“All that whining, and for what?” she jokes, nudging Noah’s shoulder once, twice, _three times_ before putting her sandals on.

Noah just looks at her, the pencil behind his ear—almost lost in the curls of his hair—falling out and clattering on the floor. He doesn’t pick it up. 

“Are you going to get that?” Jude asks, staring at the pencil on the ground.

Noah shrugs and Jude sighs, stooping down to pick up the pencil.

“We are going to the _science center_ , my dear brother,” she says as she sets the pencil on the table by their front door.

“And what exactly are we _doing_ there?”

Jude rolls her eyes. “We’re going to look at humanly fabricated stars and learn about constellations. And,” she says, clapping her hands together, “we might even sit in that earthquake simulator that they have. That’s always seemed cool. Scary, sure, but cool.”

Noah knows he’s going to regret giving in. He’d rather look at _real_ stars out his bedroom window or at least fabricate them himself in his sketchbook. 

But he doesn’t tell Jude this. Instead, he says, “Lead the way, sister of mine,” and rolls his eyes in a way he knows would make Jude proud if she wasn’t so frustrated with him right now. 

She brushes past him out the door, leaving it open for him to follow. He looks up at the ceiling, taking a deep breath, and then walks out behind her. 

The walk there is filled easy conversation—Jude has always been easy to talk to. She kind of has to be. They play “how would you rather die” and “I Spy” when they run out of conversation topics, and soon enough they’re walking through the doors of the science center. 

“Okay, you go get the tickets,” Jude says, pushing Noah towards the counter. “I’m going to check out the gift shop.”  
  
“Jude!” Noah says indignantly. “We _just_ got here. Shouldn’t you go to the gift shop _after_ we’re done?”  
  
“Clearly you don’t know how these things work, Noah.” And with that, she spins on her heel and walks away from him.

He takes a deep breath and walks towards the counter and getting in line. When it’s his turn, he looks up at the prices, smiling when he realizes that students get in for free.

“Two student tickets, please,” he says, reaching into his pocket to pull out his school ID.

“Here you go…Noah,” the kid behind the counter says and Noah looks up at him only to get the breath knocked out of him completely.

He blinks, taking in the way the florescent light glints off his blonde hair and the way his eyes look like they should be hung in the night sky among the stars. 

Noah stands there with his mouth open, staring at this boy—this…this god among men—like an idiot and of course this is the moment Jude decides to rejoin him. 

“Noah,” she says, waving her hand in front of his face. “Earth to Noah.”

He doesn’t blink though, just stares at the boy. 

“Noah, honestly, come on.” 

The boy laughs and Noah snaps out of his revery, finally reaching out to take the tickets from the boy’s outstretched hand. 

“Thank you,” he mumbles, looking away from his eyes and over towards Jude.

She’s standing there with a smug look on her face, her head cocked in a way that says _I know what you were doing_.

She smiles at the boy and says, “Sorry for my brother. He’s a little spacey sometimes, always getting stuck in his own head.”  
  
“It’s not problem, really,” the boy insists. “I was enjoying the view, too,” he adds with a wink and Noah chokes on his own saliva.

He actually _chokes_. This sends Jude into a fit of laughter while a blush crawls up Noah’s neck. All the while, the boy is looking at him, smiling softly. The halo around his head has not disappeared. 

“I’m Brian,” he says, holding out his hand again, but this time to shake Noah’s.

Noah reaches out and takes it, feeling the way his blood starts to boil from the warmth of Brian’s hand. 

He doesn’t say anything—he doesn’t trust himself enough to open his mouth because he knows the only thing that will tumble out would be _light light light_. 

He thinks of how he’ll paint this moment later: two boys shaking hands, one merely a shadow, the other pouring light from every crack between his teeth, his smile brighter than the sun itself. 

Jude puts her hand on his shoulder and Noah flinches, pulling his hand away from Brian’s. 

“Nice to meet you Brian,” she says cheerily. She doesn’t shake his hand, just puts both of hers on Noah’s arms and steers him away gently. “We have to go though if we want to make it in time for our virtual tour of the sky.”

She says the last part with so much enthusiasm that Noah actually starts to feel excited, though that just might be the warmth still running through his veins from Brian’s hand in his. 

“Of course,” Brian says, nodding. “I wouldn’t want to keep you from the stars. Have a good time.” He waves at them and turns to help the next guest. 

Noah shakes his head and smiles to himself, following after Jude as she leads the way to the planetarium. 

“So,” Jude singsongs, dragging out the o. “Brian, huh?”

Noah glares at her. “Brian. What about him?”  
  
“Okay, I see how it is.” She laces her fingers together, cracking her knuckles. “Have it your way.”

“Whatever,” Noah mumbles, finding a seat and sitting in it, putting his feet up on the chair in front of him.

“All I’m gonna say is I’ve never seen you that enamored by someone. Not so soon after you met them.” She looks at him and smiles— _really_ smiles, the kind that makes the corners of her eyes crinkle—and says, “I think this could be good for you.”  
  
“What do you—”

“Excuse me,” someone says and Noah’s head whips up. 

Brian is standing in front of him, hands on his hips. “Can you put your feet down, sir?”

Noah just stares at him. 

“What?” he says like the idiot he’s slowly realizing he is. 

Jude shakes her head and pushes his feet down. 

“Thank you,” Brian says to Noah as if he’d done that on his own. “My boss made me come over here to tell you. You’re not supposed to put your shoes on the seats.”  
  
“Oh,” Noah says. “Sorry.”

“No, no, don’t worry about it.” Brian smiles at him and he forgets how to breathe for the second time since they got to the science center. “Enjoy the stars, Noah,” he says and walks away, leaving Noah with his mouth still hanging open and his eyes wide.

“Seriously, Noah,” Jude says with a laugh from beside him. “You’re unbelievable.”

“Shut up,” he says, punching her lightly in the arm. 

“Let’s see what’s brighter: these fake stars we’re about to see or your eyes when you look at Brian,” she says casually, and Noah doesn’t even have a chance to hit her again because the lights are dimming and pinpricks of light are starting to shine on the ceiling above them, drawing both of their gazes upward. 

“The night sky,” the automated voice begins, “both beautiful and mysterious…” it trails off as Noah stops listening, too distracted by the constellations coming into view above him. 

He thinks of what Jude said, but decides that neither the stars nor his eyes are brighter than Brian’s smile. 

He turns his head to where Brian had walked off earlier and is surprised to see him already looking back at him. Even in the dark his smile blinds him, sending Noah’s heart galloping at a speed he’d thought was impossible. 

Noah smiles back shyly, a blush on his cheeks and across his nose. 

Jude nudges his foot with hers, and he doesn’t need to look at her to know she’s smiling. He feels a sudden rush of love for her—for the way the mere thought of his happiness has her lighting up with pure joy. 

He turns his eyes back to the stars, focusing on the way they contrast against the harsh darkness of the room. The smile never leaves his face the whole time they sit in those stiff chairs, flying through space, the galaxy at their feet and the tops of their heads, wrapping them up and forcing them to think about everything it holds. 

When the automated voice finally fades out and the stars give way to the blinding fluorescent lights again, Jude turns to him with a wicked smile. 

“Let’s go,” she says, grabbing his arm and pulling him up.

“Go where?” he asks skeptically. 

“Noah,” she says flatly. “You know exactly where. We’re gonna go talk to your new boy.”  
  
“He’s not my boy,” he mumbles, scuffing the toe of his shoe against the carpet.

“Oh, please,” Jude scoffs. “He couldn’t stop looking at you the whole tour. And you’re still blushing from when he smiled at you. You like each other, I can tell.”  


There’s no use arguing against something that’s true, Noah figures. At least from his end. 

“So, here’s the plan,” she says excitedly, rubbing her hands together conspiratorially. “We’re just gonna walk by—don’t say anything, okay? We’re gonna gauge a reaction.”

Noah just looks at her.

“We’re gonna see if he talks to you first,” she explains, sighing. “I mean, I already know he will, and he’s probably waiting for you to initiate the conversation this time, but that’s just too bad.” 

She continues talking but Noah has stopped listening, too focussed on searching the room for Brian. He’s moved from where he was standing by the control panel, and he finally spots him near the door, holding it open as people file out. 

“Jude,” Noah interrupts. “Let’s go. He’s by the door.”

“Perfect!” she squeals and grabs his elbow. 

She steers him over to the door and drops his arm right before walking through the door. She looks over her shoulder as Noah passes Brian, but frowns when neither of them say anything.

Noah gets through the door, a disappointed look already taking over his features, when he feels a hand grab his wrist.

“Wait, Noah,” Brian says and Noah looks at him, waiting for him to continue, but he doesn’t say anything at first. 

They just stand there looking into each other’s eyes. Noah notes the similarities between Brian’s eyes and the night sky: the way they both have stars hidden in them, waiting for someone to discover their secrets. 

“Yeah?” he finally asks and Brian shakes his head a little bit, the corner of his mouth coming up in a small smile. 

Noah inhales sharply at the sight, already sure he’ll be seeing that lopsided grin in his sleep. 

“If you ever have any questions about the stars,” he says, handing him a small piece of paper, “you know where to find me.” 

And with that he lets go of Noah’s wrist and turns back around to the planetarium, leaving Noah standing there with his mouth hanging open for the second time today. 

“Oh my god,” Jude says quietly, coming up behind him. “Is that what I think it is?”

She doesn’t reach to snatch the paper out of his hand like he thought she would. Instead she rests her chin on his shoulder and watches as he unfolds it.

 

> **_Noah,_ **
> 
> **_I hope to see you around here again._ **
> 
> **_Brian_ **

Below that is a phone number and a little drawing of a shooting star. 

“Yeah,” Noah breathes, “it’s exactly what you think it is.” 


	2. chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which brian is a major space nerd (as always)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, i apologize for any typos. enjoy!

After that first day, Noah starts going back to the science center every other day. The first time, Brian isn’t there, and Noah only wonders around for ten minutes before leaving. He’s not there two days later either, and Noah tries not to feel too disappointed. 

But the third time, he’s back at the front desk, a smile plastered to his face and his halo hanging above his head. 

Noah stops in the doorway when he spots him, and almost gets run over by the group of elementary school students that burst towards the earthquake simulator. He moves to the side and watches Brian work, handing out tickets and smiles to every customer that walks up to him. 

Finally, he gets his feet to work again and makes his way to the counter. 

Brian watches him approach, his smile getting impossibly brighter and the corners of his eyes crinkling adorably. 

“One student, please,” Noah says, smiling more confidently than he had two days ago. 

“I was starting to think you wouldn’t text,” Brian says as he prints his ticket. “And, well, I guess you didn’t, but this is definitely better.”

The way Brian looks at him as he says this makes Noah’s heart jump, beating against his chest like it’s trying to break free and jump right into Brian’s outstretched hand. 

“I don’t, um,” Noah starts and looks away. He tries again. “I don’t actually have a phone,” he says. Brian’s eyes go a little wide and Noah trips over himself to clarify. “Well, I do have one. But I don’t really use it. It’s probably been dead for months. It just lies under my bed with the drawings I hate and the spiders that are most likely down there, collecting dust and—” Noah catches himself rambling and trails off, ending with a mumbled, “or whatever.” 

“It’s cool, Noah,” Brian says and Noah’s heart jumps again at the fact that he remembered his name. 

_Of course he remembered your name. He likes you_ , a voice that sounds a lot like Jude’s says in his head. 

“Don’t worry about it. Like I said, you showing up in person is definitely better.”

“I came by a couple times,” Noah says with a blush, “but you weren’t here.”

Brian stops what he’s doing and looks up at him. “You came by?” he asks and Noah nods. “To see me?” 

He might be imagining it, but Brian sounds hopeful. 

“Yeah,” he says, as casually as he can. He takes a breath and prepares for what he’s about to say next. He and Jude had practiced it before he left the house, but his hands are still shaking a little and his lips suddenly don’t know how to form words. “Would you…” he starts.

Brian meets his eyes, a soft look in them that gives him the nerve to carry on.

“Would you want to get lunch with me sometime?”

The smile he receives no doubt puts the sun to shame. Noah thinks that if the scientists are right and the sun is due to explode, that’s ok—Brian’s smile would be enough to sustain life on earth for as long as he was happy. Noah wants to make sure he’s always happy. 

“I get off in an hour, actually,” Brian says. “If you want to get it then?”

Noah’s face cracks in half, a smile spreading wide across his lips. “Yeah, that sounds good. I’ll just hang out around here until you’re done.”

“There’s another virtual star tour if you want to go to that. They last about an hour.”

“Perfect,” Noah says, still grinning.

“Great,” Brian says, stepping out from behind the counter, “I’ll walk you there.”

Brian shoots him a smile as they walk side by side to the planetarium. 

“So, you’re really into science, huh?” Noah asks.

Brian laughs. “I just love space, you know? The way no one _really_ knows what’s out there. And the way it’s a never-ending process to find out. Did you know black holes don’t actually suck? They just have a super strong gravitational force. If you replaced the sun with a black hole that had an equal mass, the earth would just continue to orbit it. It wouldn’t get sucked in or anything. It would just be the same. But, if you were to go inside a black hole, you’d get stretched out like a piece of spaghetti.” 

Noah watches in awe as Brian starts talking about how black holes could spawn new universes. He feels like he’s stuck in a black hole right now: his head being stretched into spaghetti and his heart orbiting around Brian’s. 

“Sorry,” Brian says, pulling Noah out of his own head, “I know I was rambling. Space does that to me.” 

“I like it,” Noah says. 

“You like space?” Brian asks.

“No, you. I like you,” Noah says flatly before his eyes go wide as he realizes what just came out of his mouth. 

But he doesn’t get a chance to take it back because, _god_ , there’s that half smile again. 

“You do,” Brian says, and it’s not a question, though his voice has an awe-filled lilt to it. 

Noah doesn’t respond, just looks at him, his heart in his throat and his blood rushing to his head. 

Brian looks away from him, but his smile stays firmly on his face, lighting the rest of the way to their seats, and he’s surprised when Brian doesn’t walk away, but instead sits down next to him. 

“You know,” he says, “I’ve worked here for a couple months but I’ve never actually sat down to watch one of these. They always have me working the controls or standing outside the door."

Noah looks up at the ceiling and tries to imagine the stars that will appear there, but all he sees is the white of Brian’s teeth, forming his smile in the sky. 

“I’m glad I finally get to go on the tour,” Brian’s saying beside him. “I’m glad you’re here, too.” 

Noah looks back down at him, at the way his head is slightly tilted to the side, his eyes lidded and soft.

“Me too,” he says quietly, glancing at Brian’s lips and away quickly. 

That same automated voice begins their journey: “The night sky is both beautiful and mysterious…” 

Again, Noah stops listening, focussing in on the stars but still only seeing Brian’s smile glowing back at him. 

He starts connecting the dots, drawing Brian with his halo and lopsided grin and all. The picture comes to life in the stars: two boys standing close enough to touch but far enough away that they don’t, the stars between them full of possibility. 

Noah jumps slightly when he feels something on his hand, but his heart doesn’t stop its erratic beating when he looks down to see Brian’s fingers twining with his own. He looks at Brian but his eyes are firmly fixed on the stars, but that _smile_. Of course.

Noah sighs quietly, lifting his pinky to drape over Brian’s, letting him know for sure that he knows what he’s doing.

They sit like that while the automated voice guides them through space, pointing out constellations and star clusters; and even when the lights come up, making Noah blink until his eyes adjust, their hands are still together.

Neither one of the moves—Noah’s too scared to even breathe if it means losing the warmth of Brian’s fingers on top of his. 

The moment is broken when a woman approaches them and Brian whips his hand away, bringing it behind his neck to rub at his hair. 

“Brian,” she says with a cheerful smile, “Your shift just ended. You’re free to go as soon as everyone files out. Make sure you lock the door to the planetarium behind you, though. This was the last show of the day.” She pats his shoulder before walking away, leaving the two boys to stare at the ground together. 

When the last person finally makes their way out the door, Brian turns to look at Noah. 

“Do you want to see something?” he asks, raising one eyebrow.

Noah can’t help but smile and nod his head. “Yeah.”

He watches as Brian gets to his feet, walking over to the control panel and pressing a button. The lights dim once again and the stars come out. 

There’s no automated voice this time as Brian sits back down next to him. 

He lifts his hand and points at four bright stars. “That’s the constellation Lyra. Like the instrument, you know?”

Noah nods his head, his eyes following Brian’s finger as he points.

“The Ring Nebula is in it. It’s an expanding shell of glowing grass from the dying star in the middle of it. It’s crazy to think that we’re seeing its light from when it was still alive.”

Noah shifts his gaze from the sky to Brian, watching his mouth form the words he’s saying. He looks up when he sees his lips form that goddamn grin, though, and finds Brian staring at him. 

He feels compelled to say something—to try and cover up the very obvious fact that he was staring at his lips. 

“My favorite is Gemini,” he says softly. “The twins. They remind me of Jude and me, forever side by side in the night sky.” 

“Jude’s your twin sister?” Brian asks.

“Yeah,” he answers. “She drives me crazy sometimes but I love her. If I had to be stuck with her in space forever, I don’t think it’d be that bad.”

Brian laughs. “I’m sure she wouldn’t mind being stuck in space with you, either.”

Noah smiles and looks away, bringing his attention back to the stars. He notices common constellations like Orion’s Belt and the Big Dipper. 

They sit there side by side just looking at the stars. Their hands lay close enough to hold again, but neither of them makes the first move. Finally, Brian clears his throat and looks at Noah.

“So,” he says, “do you want to get lunch now?” 

“Yeah, that sounds good.” 

Brian leads the way out of the planetarium, pausing to lock the door behind them. 

“So, Noah,” he says, giving him that _stupid_ half smile, “I’ve been thinking about something you said earlier.”

“Yeah?” Noah says absentmindedly, too focussed on the way Brian’s hand keeps brushing against his own as they walk.

“Yeah. You said that the cellphone you have—the _unused_ cellphone—lies under your bed with the drawings you hate.” 

Brian looks at him expectantly, but Noah’s not sure what response he’s looking for. 

“You draw?” he asks when he realizes Noah’s not going to say anything.

“Yeah,” Noah says again. “I’m drawing right now.”

Brian gives him a confused look, and Noah smiles faintly, shifting his gaze to the doors in front of them as they walk out of the science center. 

“In my head,” he clarifies. “I draw in my head. I drew the stars earlier and I drew you the first time I saw you two days ago.” He blushes suddenly at the realization that he’s never told anyone that he does this—not even Jude and he tells her everything. 

“How’d I turn out?” Brian asks and Noah has to think about that for a second. 

That was not the response he was expecting.

“Brighter than the sun,” he says honestly and Brian smiles at him. “You had a bucket of light pouring over your head but your smile still outshone it. Jude’s always said that my eyes are the brightest thing, but I think we’ve found something brighter.”

Noah looks over and realizes that Brian has stopped walking. He’s standing a few paces behind him, staring at Noah like he’s never seen him before. 

“Brighter than your eyes, huh?” he asks, his voice quieter than usual. 

Noah shakes his head.

“I disagree.” 

And with that he continues walking, leaving Noah to stare after him where he’s still rooted to the ground. 

_He thinks my eyes are brighter than his smile_ , Noah thinks. _He’s wrong._

He shakes his head a jogs to catch up with Brian, throwing a smile his way when he’s at his side again. 

He draws it in his head: two boys walking side by side, radiating light that never ends. It pours out of their ears and their eyes and their hands, one boy slightly dimmer, but still brighter than the sun. 

When Noah gets home that evening, Jude is sitting in the living room waiting for him. 

She smiles as soon as she spots him coming through the door, and springs up to meet him halfway to the kitchen.

“So,” she says, grabbing the water bottle he’d just pulled out of the fridge, “How was the science center?”

Noah knows she wants to say ‘how was _Brian_ ,’ but he appreciates the fact that she doesn’t.

“Good. Sciency.” He takes the water bottle out of her hand, opening it and downing half of it before she can grab it again.

“Mhmm, of course,” she says distractedly. “Run into anyone you know there? You were gone a long time.”

Jude knows he only went there to see Brian. She was the one who convinced him to go back (she doesn’t know he went yesterday too).

“As a matter of fact,” Noah says, playing along, “I did run into someone. Got lunch with them, too,” he says with a smile.

The corners of Jude’s mouth curl up and her hands wrap around Noah’s shoulders. “Oh, that’s great, Noah!” She holds him at arms length, still smiling. “So, what are we thinking, here? A couple more dates and then you’ll make it official?” She gasps. “ _Facebook_ _official_ ,” she says conspiratorially, nudging him in the arm. 

“Yeah!” he says, fake excited. “I’ll update my nonexistent profile as soon as he pops the question!” 

She glares at him, but only for a second, because before he knows it, she’s dragging him up the stairs and into his room. 

“Okay, show me,” she says, putting her hands on her hips.

“Show you what?” Noah asks, confused.

Jude sighs. “The pictures. I know you drew at least five already, so show me.”

Sometimes Noah hates how well Jude knows him. Other times he’s thankful she’s willing to bring up the stuff he never would. 

He reaches into his bedside drawer, pulling out the sketchbook that he keeps in there. He flips through a couple pages, deciding which one to start with. When he decides, he sits on his bed and hands it to her. 

He never used to share his art with Jude, no matter how many times she begged him to. But then one summer he painted a boy he’d seen in an art supply store, and she offered him everything she owned just so he would give it to her. Since then, after seeing her complete adoration of one of his pieces, he was more willing to show her his work. 

“These are incredible,” she whispers as she sits down next to him. “You really got his eyes down.”

He looks at the way Brian’s light seems to reflect back at Jude and smiles to himself, thinking back to when Brian said Noah’s eyes were brighter than his own smile. 

He’s still wrong, but Noah can’t help but feel lightheaded at the memory.

“You’re thinking about him now, aren’t you?” Jude says softly, the smile back on her face.

Noah nods minutely and reaches over to flip the page, the drawing of him and Brian shaking hands coming into view.

“Why are you just an outline?” Jude asks.

“Because that’s how I felt, then.” Noah flips the page again, but this one is empty. “I’ll show it to you when I’m done,” he assures her, picking up the pencil that’s laying on his pillow.

Jude nods and gets up, smiling once again as she walks out of his room and into her own. 

Noah goes to work, creating the scene he’d seen in the stars: him and Brian sitting together, the stars thicker around Brian—floating out from Noah’s chest, orbiting him like the earth orbits the sun. 


	3. chapter 3

It’s midnight when Noah decides he’s going to charge his phone. 

He digs around under his bed, pulling out crumpled up drawings and old socks, until finally he finds it. He pulls it out and goes to his desk, searching for a few seconds before coming up with the charger. 

He plugs it into the wall and waits for the screen to light up, idly sketching constellations. 

Noah jumps when the phone vibrates to life beside him, making him draw a line straight through the star twins he’d been drawing. 

He briefly thinks that it’s too late to text Brian, but fishes the paper with his phone number out of his pocket anyway, typing out a message to him, and pressing send.

> _Brian, it’s Noah._
> 
> _Would you like to go to the beach tomorrow?_

He sets the phone down on his desk, walking over to his bed and deciding now is as good a time as any to go to sleep. 

He wakes up to a ringing sound coming from his desk, and he rubs his eyes as he realizes it’s his phone. He gets up, bumping his knee against his bead as he stumbles over to answer it. 

“Hello?” he asks groggily. 

“Did I wake you up?” the voice asks.

“Um,” Noah says, running his hand through his hair. “No. No, it’s okay.”

“I totally did. Sorry, Noah.”

He pulls the phone away from his ear to see who he’s talking to. This soon after waking up, he doesn’t even think he’d be able to recognize Jude’s voice.

_Starboy_ , his screen says and he smiles to himself.

“Brian,” he breathes into the phone. 

“Noah,” Brian says. “When did you want to go to the beach? I’m assuming not now, since you just woke up—though it is eleven in the afternoon,” he says, laughing. 

Noah swears when he looks at the clock and sees that it is indeed eleven. He groans into the phone and Brian laughs some more. 

“How about in an hour?” he asks.

“I can do that.”  
  
“Cool. I’ll text you the spot.”

“Yeah. Cool.”

Noah’s about to hang up when Brian says, “I like that you used your dusty old phone for me.”

He says it quietly, but it still rings in Noah’s ear.

“See you, Brian,” he says softly, hanging up the phone. 

After he’s showered and gotten dressed, Noah heads downstairs, walking into the kitchen to see Jude already sitting at the table eating a sandwich.

“Afternoon, sleepy head,” she says, smiling around the bite she’d just taken.

He smiles back at her and grabs a bowl from the cabinet, filling it with cereal. 

“I’m going to meet Brian down at the beach in a little bit,” he says, focussing on getting a spoon instead of looking at Jude.

He hears he squeal quietly before she says, “That’s great, Noah! Where are you taking him?”

“You know where those rocks are? The ones we used to climb on when we were kids?” 

Jude nods.

“I figured we’d start there and walk along the shore until we get to the boardwalk or something.” 

She smiles at him again, clapping her hands together as she finishes her sandwich. 

“I have the drawing from last night sitting on my bed if you want to go look at it later,” Noah says, but he doesn’t think Jude hears him.

She’s just let out a giant gasp as Noah’s phone dings in his pocket.

“Are you using your phone again?” she asks wondrously. “Seriously? How did I not know all I had to do was find a cute boy for you to text and you’d suddenly join the rest of us in this century?"

He rolls his eyes at her. “It was the only way I could ask Brian to come to the beach with me today.” 

“Mhmm,” she hums. “Whatever you say.”

“Anyway,” Noah says, changing the subject, “do you have anything planned for today?”

“Maybe I’ll go to the beach,” she says with a sly smile.

“You will do no such thing,” Noah says sternly. 

“Relax, I was just gonna go and build some sandwomen. You know the spot where I usually go—no, don’t even try to pretend like you don’t. I’ve seen you following me, Noah. Did you really think I didn’t?”

Noah has a guilty look on his face. He knew Jude knew he knew about the sandwomen, but he never thought she’d bring it up. 

“Sorry, Jude,” he says sincerely. “They’re just so great, I wanted to see them.”

“It’s fine, really. I’m not mad about it. Anyway, that’s my plan for the day.”  


“Take pictures this time.”

“You know I’m not going to do that, Noah,” she says, exasperated. “It’s cathartic watching the tide wash them away, returning them to the ocean.” 

He nods his head. He understands not wanting to share your artwork with other people. 

That doesn’t mean Noah’s not glad he and Jude always have each other just in case they choose they do want to share. 

He smiles at her as he stands up. “I should probably go now if I’m going to meet Brian on time.” 

“Have fun,” Jude singsongs as he walks outside.

“Will do,” he calls back.

As soon as Noah’s feet hit the pavement at the end of their yard, he starts running, the wind racing through his hair and his arms turning into wings. 

He flies down the road and into the woods, taking the shortcut he found to the rocks. 

When he gets there, he leans against them, catching his breath and turning his arms back to normal. He sends a text to Brian and waits for him to show up.

> _Current Location_

It’s only seconds before he gets a response from Brian:

> **_On my way._ **

It only takes Brian five minutes to arrive, and when he does he’s breathing heavily.

“Hey, did you run here?” Noah asks.

“Yeah,” he says, panting. “I took a shortcut through the woods.”

Noah nods and then, “Wait, where do you live?”

Brian smiles at him conspiratorially. “Right across the street from you, dude.”

“What?” Noah chokes out. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah, I saw you leave your house today and run into the woods. You’re so fast, man, what the hell.”

“I can’t believe we live right across from each other,” Noah says. “How did I not know this?”

“I don’t know. Jude never told you? She came over with your mom when we first moved in,” Brain says.

“Jude knew?” Noah says. He can’t seem to wrap his head around this, though it shouldn’t be this surprising. The town isn’t that big, after all. But that’s not the part that’s bothering him. Why didn’t Jude tell him?

“Huh,” Brian says to himself. “Anyway, where are we headed? Or are we just gonna sit on these rocks?”

Noah looks at him and Brian shakes his head.

“Not that I’d be against that—if that’s what you have planned,” he rushes out. 

Noah smiles. “No, it’s not. I figured we’d just walk along the beach to the boardwalk or something. Maybe get some food and then walk back?”

“Sounds perfect,” Brian says with a smile.

“But first,” Noah says, “I have to do something.”

Brian follows him as he leads past the rocks and over a small sand dune. 

“Where are we going?” he asks after they’ve walked for a few minutes.

“You’ll see,” Noah says, distracted.

He feels a little bad that he’s taking time that should be spent with Brian by doing what he’s about to do. But it’s important. 

He doesn’t care if Jude didn’t tell him that Brian lives right across the street from them, he’s still going to do this. 

They scale another sand dune and Noah tells Brian to duck down.

“What’s going on?” he asks. “Is that Jude?”

“Sh,” Noah says. “Yeah, it is. She comes out here to make sand sculptures. No one knows about it but me, and she doesn’t like to share it with people.”

Brian turns around then, sitting in the sand.

“What are you doing?”

Brian looks at him. “You said she doesn’t like to share it with people, so I’m not going to look.”

Noah gets a warm feeling in his stomach knowing that Brian respects his sister enough not to look at this masterpiece. 

“Thanks,” he says quietly, taking out his phone. He snaps a couple pictures of the sandwomen and creates a folder for them, knowing that unless Jude ever needed them, he wouldn’t use them for anything. “Okay,” he says. “Ready. Let’s go.” 

He reaches his hand out to Brian to help him up, but even after he’s standing he doesn’t let go, and they walk back to the rocks hand in hand, a soft smile on both of their faces. 

When they get back to the rocks, Brian squats down and says, “Wait, there’s something I need to do.”

Noah is about to ask what it is when he realizes he’s being made fun of. “Okay, very funny,” he says.

Brian laughs. “Seriously, dude, I was freaked out for a little bit. I had no idea what kind of undercover mission we were on.” 

“Sorry,” Noah says. But he’s too busy to laugh—he’s watching the way Brian’s eyes crinkle and his neck moves. He’s beautiful. 

Jude once said that when people in heaven fall in love, they burst into flames. Noah knows he’s not in heaven—there are too many assholes and not enough trees—but he still feels like he’s on fire whenever he’s with Brian.

It’s not an excruciating burn, but a constant, dull one—it starts in his toes and moves through his veins, finally reaching his face and putting a smile there that he can’t wipe off. 

He’s not totally consumed by the flames yet, but he knows he will be soon. 

He snaps out of it at the same time Brian snaps his fingers lightly in front of his face.

“You okay there, man?” he asks, that goddamn half smile playing at his lips. 

“Yeah,” Noah says, “was just thinking about trees.”

Brian laughs. “Trees? What about them?”

“Jude once gave up the sun, stars, oceans, and all the trees for this drawing of a boy that I did,” Noah says, looking up at the sky. “I didn’t understand why she did it then, but I think I do now.”

Brian’s silent next to him.

“I used to think about what it would take to give up all of my fingers—if that was the only way to save something I wanted or…” he hesitates, “someone I loved,” he says with a sidelong look at Brian. “I never thought I’d do it. How would I draw without my fingers, after all? But now…now I think I have something to do it for.”

“Some _thing_?” Brian asks quietly.

Noah looks at him. _Love_ , he thinks. _Love, love, love, love_ , he thinks and thinks and doesn’t say.

“Some _one_ ,” he finally says, his eyes level with Brian’s.

“Someone,” Brian repeats, looking away. “I’ve always looked up at the stars because I thought they’d tell me something—either about myself or about the world—but lately I haven’t been able to look at them like I normally do. Maybe it’s because I already know what they’d tell me. Maybe it’s because, like Jude, I’d give them up, too.” He pauses and takes a deep breath.

Noah thinks he looks like he’s getting ready to say something big.

“I’d give up the stars for you,” he says. 

They both stop walking when he says this, turning to face each other head on. 

The air between them starts to buzz, the waves pounding against both of their ears. Their chests are rising and falling but Noah’s sure neither of them are breathing. 

Finally Noah says, “I’d give up all ten fingers for you,” and the ocean inside him and beside him comes to life—swallowing both of them whole and drenching them in the words they’ve just poured from their hearts. 

“But how will you draw?” Brian asks.

“How will you learn the secrets of the universe?” Noah counters. 

But neither of them answer the other’s question, just stand there mere inches apart—such an easy distance to cross, though neither makes the first move. 

Noah feels his heart in his throat, desperately trying to make its way into Brian’s hands. It doesn’t have to try much harder, though, because Brian is reaching out and brushing his fingers along Noah’s jaw, effectively pulling his heart right out of him. 

The water from the ocean fills his shoes, but he doesn’t feel it. All he feels is _Brian, Brian, Brian_. 

“I’ll give you the stars,” Brian whispers and Noah smiles wide enough for all of the stars to fit between his teeth. 


	4. chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> almost there

When Noah gets home that night he feels like he could just drift out the window, joining the stars Brian loves so much. 

But first he has to talk to Jude.

He walks up the stairs and taps on her bedroom door twice. 

“Noah,” she calls, letting him know that it’s safe to come in. She smiles as he walks in and sits on her bed, resting his hands behind him. “What’s up?” she asks. 

He watches as she scribbles something in the book Grandma Sweetwine left her. Her handwriting has always been illegible to anyone that’s not her or Noah. 

“Why didn’t you tell me Brian lives across the street?” Noah asks, deciding for once not to dance around an important question.

She sets down her pen and pulls her hair into a ponytail, sighing. “I don’t know,” she says. “No, really,” she adds when she sees Noah lift his eyebrows. “I wish I could tell you why, but I honestly have no reason. I just…didn’t.” 

Noah nods, laying back so his head is resting on her shins. “Okay,” he says.

“Okay? You’re not mad at me?”

He laughs a little at the disbelieving look on her face. “No,” he says. “We just had an awkward conversation about it today. Brian thought I knew.”

“Oh,” Jude says, nodding. “Sorry, Noah.”

“It’s okay. Really.” 

They sit there in silence for a little bit before Jude asks, “How would you rather die: stumbling down an endless, pitch-dark hallway, or sucked into a beam of light?”

These ones are different from her usual morbid options, and Noah’s surprised when he actually has the think about it for a while. 

“Beam of light,” he says.

“Me too.” Jude sets the book down on her bedside table. “I don’t think I can handle anymore darkness.”

Noah looks at her, but she’s staring across the room at the opposite wall, a faraway look on her face. He decides not to asks what she means. Instead, he gets up, patting her head and giving her a soft smile before going to his own room.

“Goodnight,” she says quietly as he leaves. 

He gets to his room to find Brian sitting outside his window. His heart is racing as he goes over to open it, climbing out instead of inviting Brian in. 

“What are you doing here,” he asks, surprised. 

Brian smiles at him. “I wanted to show you something.”

“Are you making fun of me again?”

“What?” Brian asks. “No, of course not. I’m serious. Follow me.”

He follows Brian as he climbs down the tree next to the house, across the street, and up the tree in his yard to the roof outside his room.

“Here,” he says, nudging a telescope closer to Noah. “Look through there. I got it set up before I came over.” 

Noah wraps his hands around the telescope, leaning close to look through the lens. He’s not expecting the detail to be as intense as it is, and the stars fill his vision—reminding him that these are the mysteries of the universe that Brian would give up for him. 

He pulls away, turning instead to look at the stars in Brian’s eyes, but he doesn’t make it far before Brian’s pushing him up against the side of the house and kissing him so hard he no longer needs to telescope to see the stars. 

He can picture it in his head: two boys kissing as a bucket of light pours over their heads, drowning them, the entire galaxy orbiting their bodies. 

And the whole time Brian’s kissing him and kissing him and Noah is losing feeling in his hands, too busy running them through Brian’s hair again and again and again. 

When they finally come up for air, their foreheads gravitating together, Brian laughs quietly.

“Fuck. I’ve wanted to do that since I saw you at the science center that first day.” He lifts his finger up, twisting a piece of Noah’s hair around it before bringing it to rest just below his left eye. 

The gesture is so gentle and intimate that Noah’s heart hammers right out of his chest, leaping through the air and landing right on Brian’s shoulder. 

“Me too,” Noah whispers, running his fingers through Brian’s hair again because now he _can_. His hand comes to rest on the back of Brian’s neck, and he pulls him to him again, connecting their lips in a kiss that’s impossibly better than the first.

He kisses him so hard their teeth collide, stars collide, and it’s like they’ve done this a thousand times—Noah knows just how to pull on Brian’s hair to make a sound burst from the back of his throat; how to move his tongue in a way that’ll have Brian saying his name again and again and _again._

And Brian knows exactly how to kiss him to make Noah’s mind turn to nothing—there’s no picture being painted this time, just a blank slate that slowly starts to be filled by nothing but Brian’s name. 

He can’t get enough of him, no matter how close he pushes himself into his chest, or how many times he moves his fingers through his hair. Noah doesn’t need air anymore, he decides, he’ll breathe Brian. 

Finally, they break apart again, an almost inaudible whine escaping Noah’s lips. 

Brian smiles at him, taking his hand. He intertwines their fingers and leads him back to the telescope.

“As much as I want to say I planned to do that under the stars, there actually was something I wanted to show you,” he says. 

Noah leans into Brian’s shoulder as he lets go of his hand to readjust the telescope. 

“I just got distracted,” Brian whispers and Noah nods.

He’s distracted right now. 

He can’t stop staring at the way Brian’s hands move as they position the telescope; or the way the corners of his mouth turn up as he looks over the stars.; or the small gasp that escapes his lips when he finally finds what he’s looking for. 

“Come here,” he says, pulling the end of Noah’s sleeve.

He gets in front of the telescope and looks up, careful not to move it. He gasps too when he spots what Brian’s trying to show him. It’s Gemini. 

Two twins come to life in the stars, side by side and so, so bright. He thinks of Jude, probably still awake, sitting in her bed going through Grandma Sweetwine’s Bible. He closes his eyes, imagining the two of them up in the stars instead of Castor and Pollux, smushed against each other’s sides, becoming one, immortalized in the night sky. 

He pulls back from the telescope and opens his eyes, staring right at Brian. 

“Thank you,” he whispers, and rests his head on Brian’s shoulder. 

Brian takes his hand again and rubs his thumb over the back. He doesn’t say anything, and they stand like that together until Noah decides it’s time for him to go home. 

He runs across the street, going through the front door instead of climbing back through his bedroom window. 

He goes straight to Jude’s room, knocking quietly but not waiting for her to say anything.

“Noah?” Jude asks, sitting up. Her light is still on but it looks like she’d been asleep. “What’s up?”

He doesn’t say anything, just sits down on the edge of her bed. 

“Come here,” she says. 

He lies down next to her. She’s under the covers and he’s above them, but they’re still pressed together.

“Do you think we’d make a good constellation?” Noah whispers.

Jude doesn’t answer right away and Noah figures she’s fallen back asleep, but then she says, “We’d make the best constellation. But we wouldn’t be people,” she whispers back. “We’d be trees, two sprouts with one trunk. Or two rivers meeting in one ocean. Or…”

“Two birds with two wings, connected by the other,” Noah finishes for her. Two locks with the same key.”

“A giraffe with two necks. A fish with one tail and two heads.”

“An elephant with two trunks.”

“No,” Jude says, “that one wouldn’t work.”

“It definitely would,” Noah counters.

They’re quiet again. Just laying there in each other’s company.

Noah paints it in his head: Him and Jude lying there, their skin is see-through; inside Jude is a dying star, painting the darkness inside her every color imaginable; inside Noah is a tree with its branches on fire, burning its way through the night.

He wakes up before Jude the next morning, rolling out of her bed to go to his own room. He opens the window and looks outside. Across the street, Brian’s house looks quiet, calm—you can’t even tell there were two boys outside last night, two planets colliding to form one. 

Noah pulls out his sketchbook and goes to work, creating dozens of drawings that had just been sitting in his head. They jump to life on the pages, coming together to tell a story that Noah’s words never could. 

Two boys running along the beach so fast they start to fly. A set of twins sewn into the stars, two people born from the same light. A boy with a halo around his head, smiling so bright even the sun is blinded. 

He’s almost filled the entire book when Jude walks in. 

“Let’s play a new game,” she announces as she flops onto his bed. She rests her feet in his lap, making it so he can’t draw and ignore her. “It’s similar to ‘How Would You Rather Die,’” she explains when Noah doesn’t respond. “But it’s more like…rate-how-scary-you-think-this-would-be.” 

“Okay,” Noah says. “I’ll go first.” 

Jude squeals with delight. 

“You’re at the movies and the power goes out. It’s pitch black. But when they come back on, you’re alone in the theater. You try the doors but they’re locked. Then, you notice that you’re not alone. There’s one other person: a creepy old man.”

“That’s” Jude starts, “oddly specific.” 

Noah just shrugs, pushing her feet off his lap and picking up his pencil. 

“What’s our scale?” Jude asks. 

“One to twenty-nine.”

“Weird. Okay, um.” She thinks for a little while, then finally decides on, “fifteen.”

“Only fifteen?”

“Yeah. I figure I can beat up an old man if I have to.”

“I guess that’s a good point,” Noah says smiling. 

“My turn,” Jude says excitedly. “Alright. You’re standing on the edge of a cliff and the water below you starts to rise. But you haven’t jumped. The earth is turning upside down—the ocean replaces the sky replaces the ocean. Now, when you jump off the cliff, you fall into space.” 

“Jude,” Noah says seriously. “That’s a horrible one. That’s like a two. That would be so awesome.” 

Jude shakes her head. “You’re right. I should be better at this.” She rests her chin in her hand and thinks for a moment. “Okay, how about this? All of the inanimate objects in the world come to life and decide that they’re in charge.

Noah laughs. “Twelve.”

“Really?” she asks. “There are a lot of inanimate objects in the world, Noah, and a lot of them are bigger than you.”

“Okay, sixteen,” he says. 

Jude sighs. “How about breakfast?” she asks. 

He nods and stands up, following her out the door. 

“I think we only have cereal,” she says when they get to the kitchen. “Dad hasn’t gone grocery shopping in forever.” 

“That’s okay,” Noah says. “Maybe we can go later today.” 

“That’s perfect. We can go to the store and then we can go to the beach.”

“Okay, but we have to be home by—”

“Hey.”

Both Noah and Jude turn their heads at the same time to see Brian standing in the doorway to their kitchen. Like this is normal. Like he’s been here everyday.

“Brian,” they say at the same time—Jude seems more excited, though Noah feels like he’s on fire again.

“Sorry,” Brian says, “I tried knocking, but no one answered.”

“So you decided to just come in,” Jude says delightedly. “This is incredible.”

Brian’s cheeks tint pink, and Noah forgets how to breathe. He remembers a second later when Brian looks at him—the corner of his mouth pulling up in that stupid half smile. 

“I have something to show you,” he says. 

“Something to show me?” Noah asks. “Is this gonna be like last time?”

“What happened last time?” Jude asks around a mouth full of cereal. 

Noah looks at her and shakes his head. “Nothing,” he mumbles. He starts to lead Brian out of the room when Jude speaks again—this time without food in her mouth.

“Make sure you’re home soon so we can go shopping.”

“Got it,” he says, taking Brian’s hand as soon as they’re out the door. 

And then they’re running. Running so fast they fly—just like every time they do this, growing wings, becoming birds and taking flight, leaving the ground behind. 


	5. chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this felt a little rushed so i might come back and edit this, but for now! here it is!!

“Where are we going?” Noah finally asks, out of breath and leaning against a tree. He looks up and for a second the leaves are on fire. He blinks and the flames are gone.

He feels like that around Brian, constantly igniting and extinguishing, a pattern that he hasn’t figured out and pattern that won’t end. 

“Nowhere,” Brian says. “I just wanted to get you alone.”

Noah laughs. “I would’ve followed you out the door anyway,” he says. “You didn’t have to make me run five miles.”

“You like running,” Brian says with a smile. “And it wasn’t five miles.”

“My lungs feel like they’re on fire,” he complains. “My whole body feels like it’s on fire.”

“Stop exaggerating,” Brian laughs. 

Noah looks at him and decides to tell him. 

“My grandma used to tell us stories about what heaven would be like,” he starts, sliding down the tree to rest on the ground. 

Brian takes a seat next to him, listening.

“She’d say people slept in flowers and spoke in colors instead of sounds. But Jude’s favorite was always ‘when people fall in love, they burst into flames.’ I never got why—it seemed painful, honestly. But when I drew Jude and me the other night, I drew us with see-through skin, and inside of me there was a tree with its branches on fire. I never got it,” he repeats, “until now. Until I met you.”

Brian’s quiet beside him, but he takes his hand, rubbing his thumb along the back like he always does. 

The branches burn.

“I used to be so quiet,” Noah says. “But now I feel like I can’t stop talking. I feel like light is pouring out of my mouth—like all of the good things inside me are drawn to you, giving you more light, adding to the halo that sits on your head. I never thought I’d like how it felt to be on fire.” 

Brian still doesn’t say anything, just turns so he can kiss him. Noah closes his eyes and sees colors—the rainbow and more, Brian’s lips creating new colors that blur with the old ones, a whole new color palette to use the next time he paints. 

When they break apart, Noah says, “I get shocked every time I kiss you. I’m convinced there’s electricity in your veins instead of blood—a continuous current that flows through you. It hurts sometimes—my heart beats so fast I’m afraid it’s going to run away—but, _god_ , it’s worth it.”

“ _God_ ,” Brian whispers, touching Noah’s cheek gently with the back of his hand. “You’re so…” 

He doesn’t finish his sentence but Noah’s head spins anyway. The colors are so bright, even with his eyes open. 

They sit there under that tree, their shoulders, thighs, legs, feet pressed together. Their heartbeats turn into one, and Noah can hear one word beating in the air around them.

_Love_.

After what feels like hours, Noah says, “I should probably go. Jude’s waiting for me to go grocery shopping. She thinks we can’t live off cereal until dad cracks and goes himself.” 

“She’s probably right,” Brian says. “But before we go, can we go to the beach? It’s just down there.” 

Noah nods and they get up. He walks right into the water when they get there, not even bothering to take his shoes off. 

“Water passed through his shoes and the stars through his soul,” he says. 

“What?” Brian asks.

“I saw that in one of the books my mom used to always have lying around. It’s Victor Hugo.” Noah pushes the sand around with his feet. “It was one of her favorite quotes—it was about this guy who was in love. There was more to it, but I can’t remember.” 

“I like it,” Brian says. He’s walking beside Noah—out of the water so he doesn’t get his shoes wet. 

“The ocean is the water,” Noah says.

“Obviously,” Brian snorts.

Noah looks at him. “And you are the stars.”

Brian stops laughing, stops walking, stops breathing it seems. “Me?” he asks. 

“You,” Noah says, stepping up to him. 

They stand there facing each other, neither of them bridging the gap, until finally the water inside Noah spills over and he’s surging forward, taking Brian by the back of his neck and pulling him to him. 

They kiss like they have all the time in the world—like they’ve saved enough time to waste time. 

“I’ll never get tired of that,” Brian says when they break apart, their foreheads resting together. 

“I’d give up all ten fingers to be able to do that forever,” Noah tells him. 

“I know,” Brian says quietly. “I’d give up the stars.” 

They walk home in comfortable silence, wearing matching smiles, the sun shining from between their teeth. 

They part ways when Noah comes to a stop in front of his house. 

“Maybe I can show you my drawings some time,” he says, not wanting to leave Brian’s side just yet. 

“Later,” Brian promises. “When you get home from grocery shopping.”

“You can meet me at my window again,” Noah teases and turns on his heel to go inside.

“It’s a date,” Brian calls out, and Noah’s smile splits his face wide open. 

He closes the door behind him, leaning against it to catch his breath, his smile not wavering for a second. 

“You okay there?” Jude asks, coming up in front of him. “You’re breathing like you just ran a marathon.”

“Close,” Noah says, working harder to steady his breathing. “Are you ready to go to the store?”

“Yeah,” she says, “just let me grab my bag.” She walks off, her blonde ponytail swinging as she goes. 

Noah watches it, timing his inhales and exhales with the back and forth of it.

“Alright, let’s go.” 

“Bike or walk?” Noah asks. 

Jude hums. “Walk.” She closes the door behind both of them and starts down the road. “So,” she says, “what did Brian need to show you?”

Noah is about to answer when she says, “Wait. I don’t want to know. Don’t tell me.” She makes a face and Noah scoffs.

“It was nothing like that, Jude. God. We went to the beach again.” 

“Oh. Nice.” 

They spend the rest of the walk in relative silence. Jude occasionally breaks it to ask him how he’d rather die—killer butterflies or killer caterpillars; flung into outer space or tossed to the bottom of the ocean—but other than that, they walk in companionable quiet. 

“Did you make a list?” Noah asks as they walk into the grocery store.

“No,” Jude says. “I figured we’d know what we need when we see it. Plus,” she adds, “Grandma Sweetwine never wrote lists.”

Noah smiles. He picks a basket up and lays it over his arm. 

“Ready when you are,” he says to Jude and she nods, marching off in front of him.

“I think we need more cereal,” he says as they pass the aisle.

“Yeah right. As much as I love cereal, we’re not eating it for at least another month. We need _real food_.” 

“And what exactly would that be?” Noah asks, wrinkling his nose at a display of onions. 

Onions are probably the most foul smelling vegetable there is. What is the point of eating them if they make you cry and make you and the whole house smell? They don’t even taste good.

They stand there eyeing the onions, both of their noses turned up until they can’t take it anymore. 

“Ice cream,” Jude says sternly. “That’s what we need.”

They head off in the direction of the ice cream aisle, finally able to breathe when they get far enough away. 

Noah starts to think of Brian—what is he going to think of the drawings he made? Noah hopes he’ll get that look in his eye: the one that makes them glow even brighter than normal, casting the room in his golden hue. And the way his smile is like a flashlight, clearing Noah’s path right to him. 

He walks through the store in a haze, trailing behind Jude as she grabs random items off the shelves, and suddenly they’re back at the onions. 

Noah didn’t think he hated onions so much. 

“I have to go,” he says.

“What?” Jude asks, looking at him like he’s just a little bit crazy. “Where?”

Noah doesn’t answer, just runs out of the store—runs all the way back to the house, turning at the last minute to go to Brian’s. He climbs up the tree and this time it’s him tapping at Brian’s window. 

He smiles when he opens it, grabbing his upper arm so he doesn’t topple off the branch.

“What are you doing here?” he asks. “I thought I was supposed to meet you.”

“I know,” Noah says, panting a little. “I just thought ‘I could die right now and the last thing I’d smell was that godawful onion,’ and I had to come here.”

Brian looks at him. “What are you talking about?”

“I love you,” Noah blurts.

Brian sucks in a breath, hard. Noah thinks he might choke. 

“I had to tell you,” Noah says, a little weaker because he’d expected Brian to say it back. “Let me show you.” He leans back on the branch, beckoning for Brian to come outside. 

He does, following Noah down the tree and across the street to his house. They go through the front door—much easier—and up the stairs to his bedroom. 

He pulls out his sketchbook, flipping past all the pictures of him and Jude and mom and to the pictures with Brian, Brian, Brian. 

They take up more than half of the book, splattered across page after page that Noah filled during late nights and early mornings where the only thing he could think about what the fire in his chest and the halo on Brian’s head. 

He holds it out to Brian and he takes it without a word, paging through it gently—as if he’d rip it if he turned them any faster. 

Noah doesn’t think he’s breathing, and he holds his breath too, waiting silently for Brian to say something, anything.

He’s starting to think he messed this up. He went too fast. He said it too soon. 

But then Brian is setting the book down and tilting Noah’s chin upwards, bringing his lips to his in a kiss that turns his brain into nothing. 

Noah officially doesn’t have a brain. His head is just full of _Brian_. 

He pulls back and looks into Noah’s eyes and he doesn’t need a telescope. He can see all of the stars in Brian’s eyes right now. 

“I love you,” Noah breathes.

“So damn much,” Brian says.

Noah bursts into flames. They both do.

They’re sitting there on Noah’s bed burning the whole house down, burning the whole world down.

“I love you,” Brian says. “I love you,” he says again and again and again and again. 

So many times Noah knows it’s ingrained in his memory.

_I love you._

The words are whispered thousands of times in fingers brushing against skin and lips ghosting over necks. They’re poured in colors all over the walls and painted in shadows in the corners of the room.

They’re everywhere. 

They’re yelled out the window and murmured into ears. 

They’re shouted and whimpered and breathed until they don’t need to say it anymore—until both boys _know_ , both boys _feel_ it no matter what they’re doing.

Until Jude comes home.

“So that’s why you had to leave,” she says with a smile as she stops in Noah’s doorway.

Brian and Noah both look at her, matching blushes on their faces. 

“When people fall in love, they burst into flames,” Jude says.

“So I’ve heard,” Brian replies, resting his hand on Noah’s.

“There’s a fire extinguisher in the kitchen,” she says and walks away.

“We won’t be needing that,” Noah calls after her.

“Your drawings are beautiful,” Brian says when they’re alone again. “I turned out great.” He kisses him once, twice, three times, laughing the whole time.

Noah smiles at him, full of light and warmth and _joy_ , and leans back against the wall. “Portrait, Self-Portrait: The Boy Who Fell in Love with the Sun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really hope you guys enjoyed this! these characters mean a lot to me and it was so fun to bring them to life like this. 
> 
> i'm sorry for any errors there were! i promise i'll be back to properly edit this. i've been writing this for a couple weeks and i just wanted to post it. 
> 
> thank you so much for reading it means a lot to me! feel free to let me know what you thought of it!


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